Brutally honest guide to Euro 2020... in 2021: Neil Humphreys
With tongue in cheek, our columnist offers his primer to the continental contest
Well, here we are again. Another day and another chance to tie ourselves in moralistic knots about whether or not a football tournament should go ahead as billions of masked folks wander through a global, dystopian movie set.
Yes, it's time for Euro 2020, or Euro 2021, depending on whether or not you've wiped the last year from memory (like Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur fans). So here's a brutally honest guide to a surreal tournament.
Think of fan zones as Covid hot spots
Euro 2020 involves more countries than an Ed Sheeran tour. There are 11 venues in total.
If you're having a hard time remembering them all, just throw darts at the biggest Covid-19 hot spots in the last 18 months and you'll hit most of them. But fear not.
Everything will be fine as long as travelling supporters remember to socially distance in the appropriate fashion, which involves hugging hundreds of strangers while screaming that "Chelsea are by far the greatest team the world has ever seen", if the Champions League final was any indication.
Trusting football fans with a continent's health is a bit like trusting a Rottweiler with your fingers.
Behold the scary mascot 'Skillzy'
Euro 2020's official mascot is a terrifying humanoid called Skillzy, with a "z", obviously, to get down with the kids.
As any statutory board in Singapore will tell you, the secret to getting down with the youth is to join words, capitalise letters in the wrong places and change the "s" to a "z".
Skillzy is a freestyler with a topknot, making him a cross between Gareth Bale and a waiter at any pretentious restaurant.
The mascot is expected to appear prominently before matches and then disappear at kick-off, so he really has been modelled on Bale.
Expect Finland to be used as a stick to beat the Lions with
There's a pattern at international tournaments. The minnows are dragged out to ridicule Singapore football's failure to qualify for anything of note.
In previous years, it was Iceland. Remember those criticisms? "Why can't tiny Singapore qualify like tiny Iceland? How come Singapore cannot make it, but Iceland can with eight men, some rock climbers and a husky called Snowy?"
At Euro 2020, Finland will be the new Iceland. Finland has a slightly smaller population than Singapore and harsh climate conditions so, "how come...".
You know the rest.
Of course, the North Macedonians have an even smaller population, but their national sport is football, at least.
The national sport of Finland is pesapallo - a combination of ball-batting team games and American baseball.
So expect to hear comments like: "How come Singapore cannot qualify for anything, when this funny country with the kindergarten bat-and-ball game can make it?"
England mania may get unbearable
The Three Lions hysteria used to reach bed-wetting levels when they had Peter Crouch in the squad.
Now, they actually have a decent line-up. If they win Group D, then giddy followers may produce high-pitched sounds that only dogs can hear. But their status as group favourites comes with caveats.
First, Croatia and the Czech Republic are in the same group. And second, Gareth Southgate still retains the air of a nervous accountant insisting that one's life savings should go into something with zero risk.
In other words, if it's a choice between a regular defender and Trent Alexander-Arnold, he'll go with a regular defender and a defensive midfielder, just in case.
The Three Lions are blessed with extraordinary creative talent, including Mason Mount, Phil Foden, Marcus Rashford, Mason Greenwood, Jadon Sancho and Jack Grealish. So expect a couple of edgy 1-0 victories.
And so the end is near, Ronaldo
The number 36 is relevant to Cristiano Ronaldo. It is both his age and the number of abs he has.
So the narrative will constantly reference his last Euro game, his last Euro goal and so on, right up until Portugal are knocked out or when Ronaldo makes a comeback at Euro 2024, aged 40, because he was designed in a lab to make regular men feel inadequate.
Loew is still the pick of the bunch
Speaking of ageing legends, Germany coach Joachim Loew will be stepping down after Euro 2020.
In a tough Group F with favourites France and holders Portugal, all eyes will be on Loew, which will make it even harder for him to pick his nose.
At Euro 2016, the German coach perfected the art of rummaging through his nostrils - or any nearby orifice, to be fair - for anything interesting.
The rumour is if he rummages around for long enough, he might find a decent back four.
Ticket allocation is a bit hazardous
Due to Covid-19, crowd sizes and ticket allocations will be subject to change throughout the tournament.
Some folks just won't show up at Euro 2020, but Eden Hazard has promised to try his best.
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