Neil Humphreys: And the EPL Wacky Award goes to...
The strangest season in EPL history is over and we'll soon be heading for the weirdest Euros in history. With tongue in cheek, our columnist hands out his awards
The Donald Trump consolation prize: Harry Kane
Remember when the former American president focused on getting the highest number of votes for an incumbent, even though he'd lost?
That's Kane yesterday morning, holding his Golden Boot and trying to convince himself that he isn't playing for a rubbish team.
Indeed, at this point, Kane and Tottenham Hotspur is a lopsided relationship to rival Melania and Donald Trump. The money's not great any more and the boss is a money-crazed egomaniac. I'm sure Melania feels the same way.
The Marvel award for worst plot twist: The top four
Did anyone seriously expect Thanos to defeat the Avengers?
Did anyone seriously feign shock when the two Manchester clubs, Liverpool and Chelsea qualified for a tournament that they recently tried to undermine?
Honestly, listening to English Premier League vested interests wax lyrical about the roller-coaster race for the top four was like listening to a birthday kid pretending to be grateful for another pair of socks.
The four wealthiest clubs finished in the top four again! That's amazing! And in other news, bears still poop in the woods.
The messianic award for walking on water: Marcus Rashford
This amazing individual provided school meals for Britain's poorest students. He started a reading scheme to get books to kids who couldn't afford them.
If he helps to win the Europa League and finally convinces us that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer really is an elite manager rather than a Norwegian man-child, then Rashford will truly walk on water.
The Charlie Chaplin award for physical comedy: Marcelo Bielsa
The Leeds United manager spends matches as a mime artist sitting on a toilet. Occasionally, he goes full Ah Beng squatting outside a KTV lounge at 3am. But as long as Leeds keep progressing, Bielsa will continue to look like he's struggling with constipation.
The Vidal Sassoon award for best hair: Roy Hodgson
The retired Crystal Palace manager gave us so much over the years, including dull football, defensive line-ups and many finishes just above the drop zone.
Most of all, he gave us that hair. It seemed fitting that in his last match, a windy day left him looking like a cross between candy floss and a traumatised poodle.
Hodgson is stepping down, but his billowing, grey mane will live on in old episodes of The Golden Girls.
The St John award for resuscitating a dying season: Alisson
Goalkeepers are not supposed to head in last-minute winners like that. There are Chelsea strikers who can't head in last-minute winners like that.
As a tepid campaign turned into a real trudge, the Liverpool custodian popped up with that glorious, glancing header against West Bromwich Albion.
When he scored, we suddenly felt something. A pulse. It was weird. And no one deserved that moment more than the man himself. The only drawback is Chelsea's Timo Werner keeps calling, asking for one-on-one coaching sessions.
The Harry Houdini award for best disappearing act: Arsenal
Remember them? Play in red? No? Me neither.
The Weber Shandwick award for best PR: Sergio Aguero
In his first Manchester City interview, Aguero spoke in Spanish. A decade later, in his last Manchester City interview, the striker spoke in Spanish.
He makes Gareth Bale look like a polyglot. But former teammate Micah Richards recently revealed that Aguero's English is just fine.
In a public relations masterstroke, he feigns linguistic ignorance to get out of interviews. Apparently, Wayne Rooney tried something similar for years - in English.
The pandemic award for most miserable addition to our lives: VAR
At a time when an insidious menace arrived from nowhere and changed our lives forever, we needed the EPL to cheer us up.
Luckily, an insidious menace arrived from nowhere and changed our lives forever.
Watching the EPL as an escape from the pandemic only to have VAR (video assistant referee) ruin the spectacle felt like going to the hospital to treat a broken leg, only to have the doctor stomp on my testicles.
Still, we are learning to live with Covid-19. But VAR decisions could be like annoying in-laws. We may never learn to live with them.
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